I've begun to see that this journey (at least at the moment) is so much more about what God is doing in me. To sum up this past month in a word....probably, "patience". But wait, maybe it's perseverance, or humilty.... or joy...or what it means to be a servant. Honestly, it's all of these things. It's crazy to think about all the Lord has done in this past month just within my heart.
This month was hard...I don't know whether to say it got easier than last month. In fact, it may have gotten harder. But I'm hoping that maybe, just maybe, my faith is stronger than it was last month. I'm beginning to see just how perseverance is actually working itself out in my life. Earlier this week, the Lord reminded me of several verses which spoke something new to me. James says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything..." (James 1:3-4). Then in light of our Father's great mercy and the fact that we have been born again to a living hope and to an eternal inheritance because of Christ, Peter goes on to say "In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." (1 Peter 1:3-7)
I started really thinking...I want to develop perseverance and steadfastness...and I want my faith to be made stronger...but how can I expect that to happen without trials? I started to see clearly...my faith will not grow unless I'm tested. So, me going through "trials of many kinds" is actually God's goodness...it's perseverance finishing its work. In realizing this truth and embracing it, I experience JOY, not because I'm happy or excited about my circumstances, but ultimately because God loves me too much to keep me in the same place spiritually. He's actually conforming me more to the image of Christ, and that's a very exciting thing, something I desperately want. I found myself praying, Bring on the trials Lord, that my faith may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ! Honestly, a little scary to pray, but I meant it!
So that's a little peek into what my heart has been experiencing through the trials...
I'm so thankful that this month Nick and I found our church home for the next several months! Olive Tree Church in Kloof. It's just been amazing to be apart of this church. We have attended a life group the past few weeks, and we have loved every second of it. It's amazing how much stronger you feel when you are living with real, intimate community—the way Christ intended. To say that the Sunday services have been a blessing to us would be a huge understatement. The messages, all revolving around joy in Christ, have hit us dead on. It's amazing how well our Heavenly Father knows us and knows exactly what we need to hear. It's been challenging and a great reminder of who we are because of Christ. One Sunday the worship team did a song that I had never heard, yet I found myself singing so loudly and just proclaiming it because it was and is my very heart. Oh how I've grown to cherish this song, and it's been my constant companion over the past few weeks. Here are some of the lyrics...
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours, and You are mine...
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever you would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior...
And it's true...at the end of this year I would rather look back and see that my faith was made stronger through all the various trials than come to the end of the year thinking it was pretty comfortable and easy, with my heart not changed or my faith challenged. Just to give you some insight into the "trials"...basically every moment that has left me frustrated to the point of tears has been meetings among my team. We just do not see a lot of things eye to eye. We have different values. We have different ways we implement ministry. We view problems differently...and the list goes on. I've had to confess my impatience, my pride and my selfishness along the way reminding myself that "Even the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve and to give His life as a ransom for many." (Mark 10:45) I try now to go into meetings with a servant's attitude and to put my team's interests above my own, to consider them as more significant than I do myself. And I've realized that only as I am transformed by the love of Christ am I able to really love them. Another difficult thing has been the fact that we don't feel like a team at all...and by certain definitions, we aren't. Our campus team all lives far apart, we all work on different campuses, Nick and I are the only ones with a car, and we just don't spend a lot of time together at this point. So that's been hard. But this past week we had everyone over to our place for strictly a social, get-to-know-you time, and we are trying to do this every other week. It was really great! I'm hoping that as we get to know each other on a deeper level, we will feel more like a team. There are a lot of other issues that come up here that really irritate us that I won't go into, but I'm just thankful that Nick and I can share our experiences together and that I have someone here who actually understands what I am going through. And of course I am thankful even more than that that God is literally with me through it all reminding me of the big picture and that He has called me here for His purposes. When I first arrived here, I felt like the Lord was saying to me "Listen to me, follow me, and trust me." So I'm trying my best to surrender to Him daily and to look to Him to produce in me the fruit of His Spirit...love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22) As I trust in Him, I know I will be a blessing to the nations.
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